Someone Likes Me

I like to be liked. I’ve always been a people-pleaser and the goody-good middle child. But I’ve never been afraid to speak my mind or disagree with someone, either. So, wanting to be liked has slowly turned into simply wanting to be INTERESTING. I want to fascinate you, I want to make you think, and I want you to care about my thoughts and feelings because I drown in them every single day and need to SHARE THEM.

But pursuing my gifts and hobbies only to get attention is an unhealthy endeavor. Right? We all know this. For the past few months I have craved to write but haven’t written a thing because I am very, very good at thinking myself out of it. “You only want attention, Amy. You aren’t even good enough, Amy. The people you respect think you’re immature, Amy. You have nothing beneficial, you have nothing wise, you have nothing witty. There are too many blogs out there. You make snarky comments about mom blogs all the time, and what are you? A MOM. WITH A BLOG.”

And then it hit me: I feel entirely uninteresting at this time in my life. I’m now in your classic “just a mom” season, and never sure how I like it. “BUT IT’S THE MOST FULFILLING AND MOST DIFFICULT JOB ON THE PLANET, HOW DARE YOU IMPLY IT’S ANYTHING LESS!” You might say. Yes, yes. Thanks. But let’s be real for a second…

I miss having the mental capacity to engage in adult conversation. I miss knowing how to talk about things other than my baby. I miss working customer service. I miss spending all day out shopping if I wanted to. I miss exercising without having a toddler crawl across my abdomen. I miss being able to stay and chat without having to make it home for naptime. I miss only being responsible for myself. I miss having thoughts I want to write about.

But God has allowed me to feel uninteresting for a while so that I can learn just how self-focused I am in all that I do, how much I work to please people rather than Jesus, and how much I think I need to find my identity apart from my relationship with Him. But that IS my identity. I am His, He knows me by name. In the book of John, Jesus says, “…he who enters by the door is the shepherd of the sheep. To him the gatekeeper opens. The sheep hear his voice, and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. […] I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me…” (John 10:2-3,14) I am so thankful for these verses and the peace of knowing the Creator of the Universe knows me, loves me, and leads me. And right now He is leading me through my own version of stay-at-home-mom angst.

So I will be uninteresting if it means I’m fulfilling the work God has given me to do. Humbling sure hurts. But the Lord was sweet and gracious to give me this realization as I cleaned house today and watched my girl follow me to and fro. Instead of playing with her brand-new Tonka truck, she watched me take down the Christmas tree. Instead of pushing her new cart, she sat on my leg and poked my cheeks and laughed. Instead of looking at her new books, she hid Duplos under my legs. Instead of digging through her toy basket, she followed me into the bathroom. This little child thinks I’m the most interesting person in the entire world.

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